Ode to the Road

Road guys, I love you!
Or do I really hate you?
Open the damn road!

Uppermost in my Mind Lately

HURRY, dividend!
I cannot wait to spend you,
and save a little.

I need to move out!
Also: buy a camera
because mine sucks ass.

Alaskan Christmas!
Thy name is dividend and
I want a wii too.

("It's for my kids," but
who am I kidding, really?
I will also play.)

Hurry, dividend!
And also, while I'm dreaming:
Target open soon!

IRC Bot Fun

I have me a bot
He forces me to play him
So sick and twisted

Cotton Swab

You feel good in me
I like to fluff up your head
Then throw you away

Another Preggo Reference

Listen up, bitches!
Haiku don't just write themselves.
Give birth to one now!

For Zap

The pregnant pauses.
"Just gas," she sighs wistfully.
"Maybe tomorrow?"

Tragedy!

It's been a month now
and none of us have haikued.*
We should be ashamed.



*Is there a past tense
for haiku? Haiku (no -ed)
doesn't fit the bill.

Inadvertent Haiku

Inspired by this, something a friend made: http://tinyurl.com/5cjcsc

I responded with this:

"I would love a vise; I'd love to make my own too"

Realizing I had inadvertently almost made I haiku, I followed up with:

"But I missed shop class"

Sometimes the best haikus are accidental.

Road Construction Love Song

Graders a' gradin'
and bulldozers bulldozerin'
make Jen a smooth road.

O, Construction Guy!
I haven't glimpsed you yet, but
in my mind you're hot.

Thank you for my road!
Only just begun, but still
I see the future.

Pothole free, I see,
And nearly two miles shorter.
Yay! for Stealthmobile.

O, Roadwork Crew Guy!
I want to bake you brownies
just to say Thank You.

Radio Contest Redux

LocalRadioStation had ANOTHER haiku contest, and this was my submission. The DJs read it on-air, but I still didn't win. ::sob::



Geoffrey Castle's* strings
sing like heavenly angels.
I wanna hear too.

Go to Platinum Jaxx
All my worries swept away
on a violin

Free drinks? Free meal and
awesome free entertainment?
Dude, I am so there.

I am so broke and
my job is very stressful.
Winning would be nice.

I haiku for you
I was denied once before
You owe me, Mister!


*In the original email, I misspelled his name, but otherwise this is unedited, even though I'd REALLY like to change that second "so" to "quite."

Breakup Mud

My driveway is soup.
I park at the neighbor's house
and hike through the woods.

No Bars

What I want is this:
A phone that works at my house.
That's asking too much?

Kamikaze Fish

You were so lovely:
peacock blue tinged with purple.
A senseless death. Why?

Ego Rap

Trust me I'm a pro.
All you other nerds should go.
It's how I roll, yo.

Community relations

Beer with the neighbors
Talk about everything
Holy cow, he sloshed.

What's that smell?

Easter Bunny comes;
brings treats and hides painted eggs.
Hope we find em all.

For Whardier (From Jill)

Though beer may be shit,
and is loved by the masses,
I am not a fly.

For Jill

Don't be a pussy
It isn't gonna kill you
Guinness is the shit

Artillery Queen

I bought a cute gun;
aimed it and killed three Coke cans.
I am triumphant!

Lucky Dry Hump?

Mister Brannigan,
Your last post was very odd.
What does it all mean?

Chena Hot Springs

Mineral Water
Aurora Good luck dry hump
Ugh. DNA Stew.

Pwned!

Too much time I spend
but I can't haiku like that.
I admit defeat.

That last one right there?
You are the haiku master.
Respect, grasshoppers!

My yard's dirty too;
And two can play at that game:
Haiku verse at length.

Wikipedia
(Even though it often lies)
says true haiku's short.

Ten to fourteen syllables, but I like length too.

Breakup

Hello there, brown grass.
I'll see you next winter, snow.
Let's welcome the sun.

It's been a while, yard.
Did you get browner, or what?
Oh look, dog feces.

Prisoners, kudos!
Chain gangs mean it's cleanup time.
Hey. You missed a spot.

Don't look at me, sir.
That garbage isn't ALL mine.
Just that one pile, there.

BP branded bags
It's the least you can do for
all your negligence.

Child Logic

But Mama, Mama!
Why can't I have this candy?
It's only midnight.

Good Morning!

hai hai hai hai hai
hai hai hai hai hai hai hai
hai hai hai hai hai

Cheap beer

An ode to cheap beer
You taste like ass for real
But ah, there's that buzz.

Hangover du jour
Sleepy all day, pee all night
8 bucks a dozen!

Poor fallen soldiers
Littering my garage
Proper burials!

Manhunt

Prowling the bar scene;
Who will be my next victim?
I heart one-night-stands.

ho-hum work

boredom setting in
crawl under my desk and snooze
no one will notice

Bonus++

Maybe a new car?
Possibly a camera?
Bills, probably bills.

This Bonus Check is Burning a Hole in my Pocket

Flying through the night,
hair whipping back in the breeze.
Motorcycle dreams.

Aunt Flo

Dampness in my crotch.
Painful cramps, but the bright side?
Hooray! Not pregnant.

sushi

handrolls are heaven
culinary orgasms
fresh fish from the sea

Eight Endless Hours

Fridays are boring.
Waiting for the clock to say
it's time to go home.

Thursdays

I am going to die,
Furry little turd maker.
'Dust Free!' my left nut.

Mayo

(Note: earlier today I was encouraged to haikublog my enormous disdain for mayonnaise. I don't think the following really does justice to my deep and vast hatred for that vile concoction, but it's a start.)


Looks like rotting pus
chunky oily oozing snot
decomposing flesh

kwitcher bitchin

Haiku. Hai who? Oh!
You want me to write something?
Maybe tomorrow.

Awesome Logic

You can drop a tab
You can drop a piano
You can drop your pants

Morgan le Fay

Fata Morgana.
Dividing the horizon.
Beautiful Mirage.

Bendy

There would be no spoon,
If I could change history.
There would be no spork.

Oww My Brain

No mercy for ice.
Magnesium chloride doom.
I will slip no more.

Caturday Morning

Caturday Morning
Wonderful wittle kittehs
Neologism?

Parrot Envy

Avast ye matey!
You'll be walking the plank soon!
Don't touch my Polly.

Poo Eww

Bad cat, why you poo?
I step in it with my shoe.
Hope you like the cold.

The Morning After

I laughed at his plight:
Drinking too much made him ill.
I should have listened.

Local Sports Bar

Gonna go to town,
Watch the freakshow at the bar.
Pour me another!

Hefeweizen

Broken and confused
Awake now - I hate the day
Beer - My enemy

Wildlife

Sir Moose, why stand still
until I take a photo
one more blurry shot

Meow

lounging kittycats
smooshy purry balls of fluff
Scream! watch them scatter

Saturday a.m.

Saturday morning
sun streaming in the window
get out and DO stuff

Traffic

Bite me, asshole! This
road is big enough for two.
Don't make me ram you.

Relationships

Being alone: good.
Being lonely, not so much.
I needs me some dick.

The One That Got Away

Stupid Local Radio Station chose five inferior haiku instead of mine for their contest. Piss on that! Tell me this isn't good!

My heart crossed a bridge
I thought I loved Ben, but now?
Angie rocks my world.

We were supposed to include the words "heart," "bridge," and "Ben" in our entries, which I'm 99% positive one of their winners didn't do. Whatever. They can suck it.

The First Post

Always important
make a good impression now
my very first words